I Don't Hate You
by mirror-cannibal
Summary: It's a rainy day in Ikebukuro, and shit's going down. Izaya's feeling playful (in an I-want-to-fight-someone kind of way) and Shizuo's feeling angry (also in that way, what a coincidence). God dammit I suck at summaries. Read if you want to feel sad then happy then sad then sadder then maybe happy and idk what I'm typing anymore. :) (also maybe 2nd chapter in the future)


**Izaya x Shizuo (again lol)**

 **OH ALSO! IMPORTANT WARNING: if you are easily triggered with cutting/self-harm, etc, please don't read!**

* * *

The sky was dark, clouds layering over clouds and blocking out the natural light. Izaya stood on the roof of a tall building, holding his arms out as the wind ripped through him. He leaned his head back, breathing in the smell of the soon coming rain. He glanced out at the sprawling city before him, then down at the street far below him.

The wind was getting stronger, almost making him lose his balance as he hopped from one foot to the other on the edge of the roof. It tore through him, chilling him to the bone—to the heart. He started to laugh, stretching his arm out over the long fall below him, feeling the first drops of rain hit the bare skin of his hand.

 _I need someone to play with,_ Izaya thought to himself, skipping away from the edge. _Maybe if I can find that monster, he'll satisfy this scene._

* * *

Shizuo squinted up at the sky. "Tch," he muttered. "Smells like rain." Just as the thought passed his lips, he felt a drop hit his nose, then another on his cheek. _Plop. Plop._ Slowly but surely, it sped up, until the whole road was a roar of individual rain drops smacking the pavement.

Shizuo stood still on the sidewalk, feeling the rain attacking him, soaking into him, making him shiver. _I can't move,_ he thought dumbly, raising his face to feel the drops on his skin. _I'm so angry. I don't even know why._

He clenched his fist, holding himself together. _I need to vent this anger on something…someone…where's that flea?_

* * *

It didn't take long to find the blond, standing still on the sidewalk as the rain ravaged him. Izaya had left his coat behind, which was unlike him, but he wanted to feel the water on his skin, the forceful smack of each drop. He stood in front of Shizuo now, holding a single blade in his right hand.

Shizuo was looking at the sky, but when he heard the raven's footsteps through the puddles, he slowly looked forward, meeting the red gaze. "Oh," Shizuo said, "I was waiting for you."

"I know," Izaya answered, holding the knife up before him and watching the rain slip down the smooth metal. Making a sudden decision, he tossed the blade to the side. The sound of the metal hitting the pavement of the street was unnoticeable through the roar of the rain.

"What was that, flea?" Shizuo's voice had no emotion, even though Izaya could see his usual pent-up anger in his brown eyes. "Now you have no weapon. I could kill you, you know."

"I know," Izaya said again, spreading his arms, showing that he was defenseless. "Then do it."

With a growl, Shizuo leapt forward, his shoes smacking through puddles and his body flashing through the rain and he was at Izaya's throat. "What, do you want to die or something?" Shizuo's voice was still devoid of emotion, but Izaya knew he would kill him. _This is it._

"Maybe I do," Izaya sang, "maybe I don't. Either way, you'll never find out, 'cause I'll never be able to bother you again!" He let out a laugh at the end, feeling Shizuo's hand around his neck.

* * *

Shizuo hesitated. _I could kill him right now, and end this. I could get rid of this bastard, and I'd probably save a lot of people._ Somehow, though, something was stopping him. _He wants to die…that much is obvious. So if I do kill him…it's not even my win. In the end, he's set it up so that he'll still be victorious no matter what._

"You bastard," Shizuo growled, tightening his grip angrily. "Now I can't kill you."

"Oh?" Izaya narrowed his red eyes, his next words hard to hear over the rain. "And why is that?"

"'Cause you'd still win," Shizuo felt a twitch start in his left eye. _What the hell am I doing…it doesn't matter, I could still kill him, why am I hesitating? This is so stupid._

Izaya laughed again, his eyes flashing, reflecting the rain. "I didn't know Shizu-chan was competitive like that…ok, then what if I fought back? Is that the only way you're able to say you'll kill me? Or are you just unwilling to do it? Huh, _Shizu-chan_?" Izaya lifted an arm, placing his fingers lightly on the side of Shizuo's neck. Leaning his head closer, the raven brought his lips to Shizuo's ear.

Shizuo shivered slightly as he felt Izaya's breath on his skin. "Shizu-chan," Izaya whispered, the words barely making it through the sound of the rain, "I don't care if you kill me or not. I just want to hurt. Hurt me, Shizu-chan."

* * *

Izaya felt Shizuo's fingers tight on his throat, making the blood pump faster through his veins. _I love it,_ he thought, _I love the thrill this monster gives me, different from the humans who became boring long, long ago._ "You're able to," Izaya murmured, his hand still on the blond's neck, feeling the racing pulse just below the skin. "That's what's so special about you. Monster. You can kill me, much easier than a normal human. So go ahead. Show me that power of yours."

Shizuo's breathing was hoarse in Izaya's ear, and his blond hair was brushing against the raven's temple. "No," Shizuo muttered, "I'm not a monster. Stop saying that."

"Oh, but you are, Shizu-chan!" Izaya purred, moving his hand from the side of the blond's neck to the back, his fingers brushing over his spine. "Come on, kill me!"

Shizuo pushed Izaya away, and the two stood, glaring at each other, the rain thundering down on them. "I'm not going to kill you!" Shizuo growled, fists clenched at his side. "I'm not a monster! So shut up!"

Izaya suddenly felt a wave of strange emotions pass through him. _He's defending himself…he really cares about how I think of him…he's holding onto what humanity he has…_ Random thoughts and observances popped up in the raven's mind. _He's really set on not killing me, isn't he…_

Izaya didn't notice his knees buckled until he felt the water soaking into his pants as he kneeled, looking up at Shizuo. The rain running down his face suddenly tasted salty. "Why won't you kill me?" Izaya didn't even realize he was speaking out loud until his own words reached his ears.

Shizuo looked down at him, shock in his eyes. "What…are you…?" he mouthed silently, the roar of the rain taking away his words.

Izaya's shoulders began to shake. _Why am I shaking? Why can't I breathe?_ His chest and throat were tight—uncomfortably tight. He put a hand around his throat and gasped for air. _Am I…crying?_

* * *

Shizuo stared down at the bastard who had ruined his life, now crying on his knees for death. _What is he up to?_ Shizuo couldn't help but drop to his knees beside the raven—despite everything, somehow he felt the need to help him now, now that he was finally calling out for it.

"Izaya…" Shizuo murmured, watching the tears leak out of the other man's eyes, the violent shuddering of his shoulders, the unfamiliar way he struggled to breathe, as if he was unused to crying. The blond reached out, his hand hesitantly reaching Izaya's.

"Please," Izaya gasped out, "Why won't you kill me?" For the first time, the words hit Shizuo hard. _Kill…kill me…why won't you kill me…_ Shizuo grabbed the raven's shoulder and pulled him closer, holding him protectively, guarding his small body from the rain.

"What are you trying to do, flea?" Shizuo couldn't even fit the anger into his voice anymore. "Burden me with the responsibility of taking someone's life?" Izaya tried to pull away, but Shizuo held onto his shuddering form.

"I'm not going to kill you," he whispered, holding on tightly.

"Please," Izaya sobbed, "If you won't kill me, hurt me."

"Why do you want me to hurt you?" Shizuo asked, his heart beating faster and faster with every second he saw this hidden side of his enemy.

* * *

Izaya sunk his head down, feeling the water run off his hair and onto his face. _Why am I not trying to escape? Why is this monster acting like this? Why am I unable to act normally? Why does my heart feel like it's shattered into a million sharp pieces that won't stop jabbing into my chest?_

Suddenly lightning flashed, and Izaya felt his skin prickle with his proximity to power. In the brief, jagged moment that light broke through the storm, Izaya saw the glint of something close—a half foot away, his knife lay on the road, abandoned and barely gleaming when the light faded once more.

He reached out a hand, feeling Shizuo tighten around him. "Izaya…" Shizuo murmured, still holding him protectively. Izaya forgot how to breathe for a second, his lungs frozen as the sobs faded into silent tears.

The metal of the blade was cold on his fingertip, and he considered picking it up. _I want to hurt…I want to be killed…_ Izaya thought to himself, running his finger along the smooth edge. _But which one do I want more? Only one of them is permanent, I suppose…_

The hilt of the knife was just as cold as the blade, dripping with water as he picked it up. He brought it to the skin of his arm, the sharp blade slicing through his skin easily—way too easily. _There's no pain,_ he thought numbly as the blood mixed with the rain and dripped down his arm. _Where's the pain I desperately need?_

Suddenly there was a hand on his wrist and the breath caught in his throat. "Sh—" Izaya stuttered as the blade fell from his hand, reminded that he was caught in Shizuo's grasp.

"You're not going to hurt yourself, either," Shizuo murmured, "Don't take the cowardly way out."

"Why are you doing this?" Izaya stared down at the blood ran in streams down his arm, gathering into droplets on his fingertips and slowly falling. _I guess one cut was enough…_ he hadn't realized how deep he had gone—and with such little reward of pain, too. _I wish he would just hit me already…strangle me, break my ribs, kick me around like he always does. Why is he being so strange?_

"Just let me die already," Izaya whispered, "Why do you think I came to you in the first place? Why do you think I threw away my knife? Why do you think I—I—" his voice broke when Shizuo suddenly lifted his head and kissed him.

* * *

Shizuo was sick of the self-pitying talk. _If the bastard wants to die, he shouldn't make someone else do it for him._ He didn't know why he grabbed the raven's chin, didn't know why he felt compelled by those teary red eyes to lean forward and touch his lips to Izaya's. He just wanted to make him stop talking, stop talking about killing himself and hurting himself, because somehow that talk was hurting Shizuo, too.

 _Why is this hurting me?_ Shizuo wondered. _I thought I hated him. Why does his weakness become mine?_ He thought his ears were ringing with silence before he realized that the rain had actually stopped. The roar of the rain and thunder a few minutes prior was somehow quieter and more comforting than this strange, alien silence that pressed down on them, that forced Shizuo to feel compelled to say something just to fill the space.

"Izaya?" Shizuo whispered, taking in the blank look on the raven's face. _What is he thinking? I wish he would say something. No, I wish it were still raining so that he wouldn't have to say anything, so that I wouldn't have to say anything, so that we couldn't hear our own thoughts._ Izaya stared at Shizuo, his red eyes gleaming beautifully in the newborn sun.

"The clouds are gone." Those were the four words that fell from the raven's lips, spoken dumbly, falling like stones in the heavy air between them. Shizuo looked at him, then looked up at the sky.

"So they are," he murmured, glancing back down at Izaya.

Izaya stared back at him, blinking slowly. _I bet this is the first time in his life that flea's been at a loss for words,_ Shizuo thought to himself amusingly. But on the outside, he knew he himself probably looked just as blank and confused.

"I think…" Izaya's voice faded out, and he started again, flicking his eyes away from Shizuo's face, "I don't think I hate you. I don't think I ever really did."

 _Those words._ Shizuo's heart stopped for a second. _Those are the words I've been waiting for._

"I never hated you, either, Izaya."

"Can…can we stop trying to kill each other now?"

"I guess we can."

* * *

 **Preview of possible next chapter (?)**

"Shizu-CHAAAAAAAAN!"

"Agh! What is it, flea? Get off of me!"

"What, am I not allowed to violently jump my boyfriend from behind?"

"Just don't scare me like that!"

"Aw, but you make it too easy, Shizu-chan~~~"

"Shut up! And get off already!"

"Hey, didn't Shizu-chan promise to teach me how to cook today?"

"Yeah, so get off me so I can get to the kitchen."

"Carry me!"

"Tch."

* * *

 **Ok so for this one I was really worried about how often I did POV changes...was it confusing, or did it work out in the end? Should I put labels on each, like "Izaya's POV" and "Shizuo's POV"? What would be easier to read? Please let me know, I always feel like I do pretty bad with POVs...and review the story, too! Thank you for reading!**


End file.
